The Brain
Every teacher, every parent, every adult has probably witnessed a temper tantrum. Let's face it, we have all had one ourselves! So let's look a little closer at....why? how? and how do we help?
It is believed that the left brain is “logical” and the right brain is “emotional”. Although there are some recent studies that dive deeper into this topic (see the button below to read more on that), it is still widely agreed on that the left side of the brain controls language while the right side is in charge of emotions.
We help children use these sides as a team!
How? The “Whole-Brain Child” book says: “Connect and Redirect”.
When your child is upset, connect first emotionally.
Then, once your child is in control and receptive, bring in the left brain—the lesson.
Another big tip from the Whole-Brain Child Book is
“Name it to Tame it”: When the big right brain emotions are just raging, be their calm and then help your kids tell the story about what is upsetting them. This helps the left brain understand and make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control.
More tips from the book will be discussed throughout this page. If you are interested in reading the book, click the link below.
So basically, when your child is in "red" tantrum mode, they are all in their emotional part of their brain.
You will probably not have success if you just try to fix the problem, teach or explain until you have brought them back to "yellow" calm mode. After they are calm, you can then revisit the situation and talk through proper strategies and solutions.
But how do we help children deescalate? Help children activate the other side of their brain and THINK!
"What is blue in this room?" "Take a big breath and then tell me what you hear." "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Choose connection over correction.
"What color are your feelings?"
“It looks like you’re upset. Can I help?”
“Let's belly breathe together" (put hands on belly or lay with stuffed animal on belly to watch it rise and fall)
“Would you like to sit down with me?”
"I need a hug"
There are 3 main emotional stages…
infants (birth - 1 year)
Noticing Emotions
Create a safe and consistent environment
Encourage self soothing
Show your own emotion
Toddler (2 - 3 years)
Express emotions
Stay calm (even when they aren’t)
Provide plenty of positive reinforcement
Preschool (3 - 5 years)
Manage emotions
Give and help through proper strategies
Set and hold realistic expectations
Validate! Validate! Validate!
So now that we are understanding the very basics of the brain a little more, how do we talk to kids about their brain?
As children get older and understand their body parts and functions, you can dive deeper into this information as you see fit.
The brain is the control center. It controls everything we think, everything we feel and everything we do. Some things we have some power over, and others the brain just takes care of it all on it’s own.
Your brain has neurons (think of them like a bunch of dots). When you do something, your brain learns and connects those dots (like a dot to dot puzzle). When you do something over and over again, your brain learns and this connection grows stronger. Your brain learns and, yes, it grows, too!
One thing your brain is in charge of is making choices, managing all those big feelings, problem solving, and having empathy.
We now know we can think of the brain as having two sides—one to control language and the other to control emotion. Well, there is also an upstairs brain and a downstairs brain.
We are going to “walk right in” and start in the downstairs brain. It is in charge of things we do not even really have to think of—like breathing and digesting all of the yummy food we eat. In the downstairs brain is also where all of our emotions live.
So this means, when we have those big feelings, what part of the brain is active? The downstairs brain—the one that kind of goes into action on its own without our control. This is why sometimes our reactions are to throw a tantrum or have a meltdown. The primitive, reactive part of our brain is running the show! Its just doing its job to react to threats.
When we feel like we are in danger, our brain has three options: run, fight, or freeze. This goes for adults too! (Hence power struggles! One big emotion can trigger another big emotion and reactions can quickly shoot off the fight reflex.)
Have you seen the movie “Inside Out”? There are many examples of this when the brain immediately jumps to a “fight” reflex, until you think it through and learn everything is okay.
Big feelings can be very scary for the downstairs brain and cause it to be very loud.
So we must work together to switch from the downstairs brain to the upstairs brain when you have those big feelings.
How can adults help? Be empathetic and know even if something doesn’t seem or feel big to you, it really still could be for them. Get down on their level, physically and emotionally. Connect to get to the upstairs brain. We all need that upstairs brain to make clear decisions.
The prefrontal cortex is not fully develop until adulthood. Therefore, when you are trying to reason with a child, you are trying to make sense to a part of the brain that literally cannot even understand or fully function yet. This is why it is so important to connect and calm first and then work through strategies and problem solving so that the next time (or eventually) when children feel this big feeling again, they have started making the connection in their brain of how to handle the big feeling.
As “The Whole-Brain Child” put it, the downstairs is intact at birth. However, the sophisticated upstairs brain is under construction and vulnerable to hijacking.
Here are some more of the highlighted tips from the book. Click the button for a free resource of more!